Taxi insurance actuaries

Taxi insurance actuaries - have you ever actually seen one?

Taxi insurance costs so much because the insurance company is determined not to pay for an accident waiting to happen. So insurance companies remain as big and as rich as they are because they have legions of grunts called "actuaries" who get paid to protect the money the companies bleed from customers. Actuaries have no life beyond studying charts and surveys that tell them absolutely anything that is likely to increases the chances you will never see a dime from the insurer when you make a claim. If an actuary were an organ donor, the pathologist would find a calculator where the heart should have been.

Actuaries are like mothers-in-law: they ask you endless questions about things you don't really want to discuss. You just want to insure your cab, and they turn around and ask you if you smoke. Then they want to know about your sex life, how often you place a bet with a bookie, and maybe even if you ever had VD? They know more about your body parts than Blue Cross.

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Actuaries are also like that third grade teacher you hated. Just when you think you slipped something by them, they nail you. Like the time you passed the note to Suzy Smith in algebra class and got caught, you are going to pay a price. Didn't tell the insurance company you have hemorrhoids and your butt is parked on a taxi seat about ten hours a day? Cha-ching, cough up an extra five-hundred bucks a year!

Taxi insurance actuaries and guardian angels have a lot in common as well. People swear they exist and that they both have important work to do. Yet ask around and you find that no one has ever seen either an actuary or a guardian angel. The standards they each set are higher than most people can humanly reach, and when the chips are down everyone wonders where the hell they were when they were really needed.

Remember that used car salesman who sold you the '83 Mustang you dreamed of. "This car will never let you down,” he promised.

Young and anxious to get on the road, you signed up, paid your money, and took off. A month later the transmission fell out on Rt. 95. Your Mustang was now a dead horse and the fine print on the sales slip you never read said, "You've been screwed" in legalese.

Actuaries and insurance companies are like that.